What would you do if you found this in your inbox? If you were me, you'd craft an extremely creative response, hit "send" and watch what happens.

hey joe hope all is well in japan and that ur inspired another nation! thinking of u and wishing you the best of luck in ur travels mister! back in college trying to work hard and put my heart in it but i dunno... email me back and tell all of this amazing country!!! also will u keep an eye out for traveling oppertunities for me please????? love u loads carmel x x x<br />Obviously this email wasn't intended for me. But, oddly enough, I get a lot of emails like this. I'm not really sure why, but if I had to guess, I'd say it is because my Gmail address is only seven letters: two initials and a five-letter last name. There are probably dozens or hundreds of email addresses identical to mine except for one letter. So if Capt. Chubby Thumbs types a "d" instead" of an "e", I get the email. Most of the time I ignore them, but this time I couldn't resist writing back. All of the "misters", the punctuation, the spelling... I had a feeling this this one would be fun. I was bored at work anyway, and I needed a laugh. Soooooooooo:

Hey Carmel, Japan is awesome!!  I'm eating lots of sushi and doing karaoke every night.  These Japs sure know how to party, let me tell you! My favorite thing about Japan so far is those crazy harajuku girls with thier funky outfits.  That Gwen Stefani is sure onto something! Hope college is going well for you.  Just remember that studying is only a small, insignificant part of the college experience.  Getting shit-faced as much as possible is very important too! Don't miss me too much, babe.  If you do, just look at the little picture of us that's inside the keychain--remember, the one we took with Goofy at Disney World last year? Always in my heart, Joewhat are u on about? i wasnt in disney world with u ever. i dont swear?and u wouldnt call ur sister babe!!!! so who is this???Obviously I'm not her brother, why would she even respond? I love the stream of consciousness thinking: first confusion, then suspicion, then panic. "Who is this???" I'll never tell you Detective Carmel!

Carmel, babe, what's wrong?  You sound mad. I didn't know you were my sister I swear!  I thought you That was the last I heard from Carmel. I thought we had a thing going, what gives, babe?

The gays of Fire Island made their own video to Miley Cyrus' "Party In The USA". Too cute. Glad to see them up to something creative for once. Good job guys!

I hate myself for saying this, but this Miley song isn't totally terrible either. She sounds like a teenage girl for once, not a truck driver with a hankering for Marlboro Reds.


The commercial says you can get awesome abs by trying to maintain your balance on this swively chair, but I'm not convinced.

I would like more examples of people doing stuff on the Hawaii Chair: drinking a cup of coffee, reading a book, getting a haircut, telling a knock knock joke, writing calligraphy, building a ship-in-a-bottle, or playing Jenga. Stuff like that.

It would also be cool to see it used in a porn (just sayin').

Promotionalist/Socialist - With Boobs (Lower East Side) Date: 2009-08-24, 3:56PM EDT Reply to: gigs-2t635-1340069444@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] We are a band that will be competing in a Battle of the Bands at the Crash Mansion in late September. What we need is simple, yet so very important. We require an amply breasted and significantly attractive woman (or women) who can hand out flyers for our band, talk us up to people in the bar and help us get the votes we need to win this battle. Before you get upset at this request, let's talk this out. When a guy is at the bar drinking beer with his buddies and lying about his latest triumph over some unrealistically hot chick, what's the only thing that can break them from their college-like trance and get their attention? Big beautiful boobs. It's not even an opinion, it's a fact. Mythbuster's recently did a show about this and they determined that 98% of all guys can be convinced to do just about anything if the requester happens to have some serious boobage going on. The 2% that weren't swayed were either gay or borderline I-think-I-might-be-gay. And what is so wrong about an attractive woman utilizing her assets to her advantage? Or for that matter, for OUR advantage! Nothing! So if you have delicious boobs, a beautiful personality and you like to jam out with your clam out, then get in touch with us and we'll start talking about how we can make this work.
If you're a big-boobed babe who's hard up for dough and doesn't mind hanging out with douchebags, then this is the gig for you! Except it's not a paying gig, unless you consider basking in the creative glow of an unsigned band payment. Or maybe the money thing is no biggie if you just like to "jam out with your clam out" as the ad states. What an offer!

I really appreciate how they supported their point with stats from Mythbusters. When hypnotized by massive set of mammaries, a (straight) man's mind becomes an empty vessel into which your message will flow. Wait till the boys on Madison Ave get wind of this!

Maybe the poster should have put this on CL Cuba. I hear there are loads of amply breasted "socialists" down there who could use some extra scratch.


I had some serious secondhand embarrassment (0:50 anyone?) after watching this dude is having a nerdgasm over that phone. He needs pussy bad. Fuck eHarmony, someone get him together with her.

He kind of looks like a cross between Stephen Hawking and Stephen Colbert, no?

You're looking at the hit of the summer ladies and gents. If 2007 was the summer of shoes, 2009 is the summer of the candy bra! WERQ!

I'd love to be friends with #27. Or at least go to the Olive Garden with her. Elephantisha, party of two, you're table's ready!

Camille is easily the most unlikeable person on Bravo's NYC Prep. She isn't much of a partier, her love life is practically non-existent, and therefore she's boring in terms of reality TV.

Camille's storyline has centered mostly on her goal to get into Harvard, which she does with a cold, calculating ambition that makes Tracy Flick look like the school burnout. That, combined with her gotta-pee eagerness and precise diction make her very hateable. The clip above unfortunately doesn't show the Scarlett's breezy sendoff: "Good luck getting in, even though you probably won't."

Poor Camile. She's on the fast track to becoming a frigid, 40-something with a failed marriage because of her slavish dedication to career over family.

I'm staring to like Kelli more and more. Kelli didn't take any guff from Scarlett when she grilled her on her college plans. I really appreciate that she was as annoyed as I was by her and noticed her "really weird voice". Amen sister!

So You Think You Can Dance 2009 is in the can, a good time for a trip down memory lane to SYTYCD's best audition, Sophia Wang.

There's so much to love about Sophia: her Raggedy Anne appearance, her come-hither dance moves, her audition music, and (my favorite) her hilariously naive enthusiasm: "I want to go to Vegasssss!"

Mary Murphy was kind of a bitch with her Twilight Zone comment, but Nigel really harshed on her buzz. What a dick!

I wonder what Sophia is up to now? God how I wish this girl had her own show. Imagine experiencing life from her perspective!

The summer of 2009 can be summed up, musically, by three words: Black Eyed Peas. We've heard Boom Boom Pow umpteen million times and now we're getting bombarded by I Gotta Feeling. There hasn't been an assault on the senses like this since 1996 when Marcarena could be heard coming from every club, backyard party and car stereo. Enough already!

Take a break from BEP and check out these fine summer tracks:

Paradiso Girls feat. Lil Jon and Eve - Patron Tequila

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
Glorified casual sex, binge drinking, purging and blatant product placement = awesome! This should have been blasting out of everyone's car window/favorite nightclub this summer. Check out the slamin THIS/Is remix as well.

St. Etienne - Method Of Modern Love
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
Easy breezy, shimmery disco-pop. Possibly the musical lovechild of Love At First Sight and Heaven Is A Place on Earth. The Kola Boy and Richard X turn in nice variations on this song.

The Virgins - Rich Girls
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
An irresistibly catchy, sexy, laid back, up-tempo jam. Crank up this song while you're at a pool party in the Hamptons sipping a belini. Practically hand-written for shows like Bravo's NYC Prep, MTV's The Hills and of course, Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Except lacking the icky douche-factor. Extra credit: Le Castle Vania's Spring Break No Parents Remix

LMFAO - La La La
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
Electro-tinged hip hop with a Kanye West feel. This has summer jam written all over it, but perhaps the success of I'm In Miami Trick has delays this single from catching on. The perfect mid-tempo soundtrack to a hot, slightly buzzed, weekend afternoon.

Frankmusic - Confusion Girl
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
Pure catchy pop, a 2009 resurrection of Savage Garden (cue teenage girl screams). The amazing Russ Chimes remix adds a much-needed edginess to this song.

Paradiso Girls feat. Lil Jon and Eve - Patron Tequila
St. Etienne - Method Of Modern Love
The Virgins - Rich Girls
LMFAO - La La La
Frankmusic - Confusion Girl

This is what happens to you when you're hard drive dies and you have no job; my life for the last 48 hours. Things accomplished: visited MOMA, ate two dinners one night (the first out of hunger, the second out of boredom), watched Platoon in its entirety, bleached my flip flops, and seriously attempted my first crossword puzzle.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the last one; brainy accomplishment or bold leap into middle age?

Obviously "cocktail time" is the only good part of Semi-Hoe Made worth watching. I must give credit where credit is due; homegirl usually makes a mean cocktail! But Hpnotiq and blueberries? That Smurf-tini is truly ghetto.

You gotta love how jazzed she that there's a second cocktail for later. And that she's double-fisting when shows off her blue seshorse/faux coral "tablescape". What holiday does that even represent?

Aunt Sandy strikes me as the type who gets really bombed at the office holiday party and ends up sexing one of the camera guys. She loves to get crunk!

I imagine this song was conceived while these clowns were in the above referenced Pizza Hut/Taco Bell drive-thru. They seem like the type that would be too high to actually place an order, overwhelmed by options, and just laugh their asses off instead.

This is possibly worse than any song Heidi Montag has recorded, but I will give them a pass because it's insanely catchy. I could see this catching on in Russia where they love shitty techno music and don't speak English.

Looking forward to their follow-up single, "Combination Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins".

"Just An Illusion" by Imagine. Take one part Culture Club, one part Jackson 5 and a dash of Jermaine Stewart.

The new cover artwork for Madonna's new greatest hits collection, Celebration, looks strikingly similar to this David LaChapelle photo of the "World's #1 Transexual" Amanda Lepore. If you hold them at arm's length and squint one eye you can hardly tell them apart!

Personally, I'm all for this. As we know, Madge picks up on underground trends and makes them her own. And she's been such a bore this decade I think she could really learn a lot from Mandy. Mandy's a pro at driving a crowd wild and giving her fans the old razzle-dazzle. Duet maybe?

Mandy's greatest hit:

CNN made an unintentionally ironic funny with this headline:

Yes, I have this song on my iPod. It's one of those songs you really hope doesn't come up when someone puts your iPod on shuffle. It's one of the Top 10, if not the #1 gayest song ever. Those 80's disco synths would make even Dannii Minogue blush!

With gay dance music like this on the upswing, perhaps Flo Rida or T.I. will sample this for their next hit. I never in a million years thought You Spin Me Around or Numa Numa would become the base for a #1 hits in this decade, but I was wrong! So if any rappers sample this song, you know where they got the idea.

Apparently Paul is still pushing this single, and filmed a video for it in 2007. It's not half bad unlike this one. The spoken intro at :23 is not to be missed!

The Facebook redesign lets you "like" anything in your feed, and bloody hostage crises are no exception!

Facebook Fail  The New York Times  Breaking News: Hostages Taken in Binghamton, N.Y. - http://tinyurl.com/da6x3y

I love Gaga, but this parody is 10 shades of amazing.

You know things is bad when you see help-wanted ads like this gem I found on Craigslist:

Bookkeeper/Graphic Design/Webmaster (Midtown East)<br /><br />Reply to: fulltimejob2009@gmail.com<br />Date: 2009-03-25, 3:49PM EDT<br /><br />A Midtown Office Furniture and Interior Design firm is seeking a full-time, experienced, talented & motivated employee. A generous salary and benefits will be offered to a qualified candidate. The position requires Bookkeeping, Web Development and Graphic Design skills. Responsibilities include; General Bookkeeping, Office Administration, HR Functions, Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Service & Project Coordination in addition to Website Maintenance, Online Marketing, Print Layout & Commercial Quality Publishing. Working knowledge of Interior Design and Photography are pluses.<br /><br />Computer Proficiency Requirements:<br />Quickbooks, Microsoft Office, Dreamweaver, Constant Contact, Giza, AutoCAD, PowerPoint, Photoshop & Quark<br /><br />Do you fulfill these requirements? If so, please apply via email by submitting your resume to fulltimejob2009@gmail.com.

Yes, you read that right. They want a multitasker.

Reading that alone makes me feel like I've been roofied, date-raped, and robbed. I responded as follows:

Well hello!<br /><br />I noticed your ad on Craigslist and I immediately knew this was the perfect job for me.  I've always wanted a position that allows me to take advantage of my graphic design, human resources, desktop publishing, accounts payable/receivable, marketing, interior design, web production, photography AND bookkeeping skills.  It's almost like a dream come true!<br /><br />I'm very detail oriented and I thrive in a fast paced environment where multitasking is essential.  For example, I can clean toilets and make eggs florentine while riding a unicyle backwards.<br /><br />I'm sure people like me are a dime a dozen in this economy, so I'll take whatever you're willing to pay.  How is $10 an hour?  If that's too much I'm totally open to negotiation.  I'm young and healthy too, so benefits and 401k aren't important.   <br /><br />So, when can I come in for an interview with your fine organization?  Please call me at your earliest convenience at 212-479-7990.  I look forward to speaking with you!<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Blue

Then this happened:

Thank you for your interest.<br /><br />Please forward a resume.<br /><br />Warmly,<br /><br />Fulltimejob2009

My "resume":

Blue Iris 212-479-7990<br />blueiris31@ymail.com<br /><br />Skills<br />* National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes<br />* Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet<br /><br />2009<br />Employer:  Consulting<br />* My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had<br /><br />2001 - 2006<br />Employer:  Myself<br />* I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.<br />* Received pay raise for high sales<br />* Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.<br /><br />Education<br />* I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.<br /><br />Hobbies<br />* Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot<br /><br />Why Interested in Position<br />* I'm looking for a career on the Information Supper Highway and to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail

I never heard back, I wonder why. I thought I was golden with my eggs florentine-making abilities.

Seriously, I feel really sorry for the ayhole who ends up in this cluster-fuck job.

I thought this was an SNL skit at first, but nope, it's real. Awesome on so many levels... I can't decide which is better, "Billie Jean" or "Everybody Dance Now."

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