You know things is bad when you see help-wanted ads like this gem I found on Craigslist:

Bookkeeper/Graphic Design/Webmaster (Midtown East)<br /><br />Reply to:<br />Date: 2009-03-25, 3:49PM EDT<br /><br />A Midtown Office Furniture and Interior Design firm is seeking a full-time, experienced, talented & motivated employee. A generous salary and benefits will be offered to a qualified candidate. The position requires Bookkeeping, Web Development and Graphic Design skills. Responsibilities include; General Bookkeeping, Office Administration, HR Functions, Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Service & Project Coordination in addition to Website Maintenance, Online Marketing, Print Layout & Commercial Quality Publishing. Working knowledge of Interior Design and Photography are pluses.<br /><br />Computer Proficiency Requirements:<br />Quickbooks, Microsoft Office, Dreamweaver, Constant Contact, Giza, AutoCAD, PowerPoint, Photoshop & Quark<br /><br />Do you fulfill these requirements? If so, please apply via email by submitting your resume to

Yes, you read that right. They want a multitasker.

Reading that alone makes me feel like I've been roofied, date-raped, and robbed. I responded as follows:

Well hello!<br /><br />I noticed your ad on Craigslist and I immediately knew this was the perfect job for me.  I've always wanted a position that allows me to take advantage of my graphic design, human resources, desktop publishing, accounts payable/receivable, marketing, interior design, web production, photography AND bookkeeping skills.  It's almost like a dream come true!<br /><br />I'm very detail oriented and I thrive in a fast paced environment where multitasking is essential.  For example, I can clean toilets and make eggs florentine while riding a unicyle backwards.<br /><br />I'm sure people like me are a dime a dozen in this economy, so I'll take whatever you're willing to pay.  How is $10 an hour?  If that's too much I'm totally open to negotiation.  I'm young and healthy too, so benefits and 401k aren't important.   <br /><br />So, when can I come in for an interview with your fine organization?  Please call me at your earliest convenience at 212-479-7990.  I look forward to speaking with you!<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Blue

Then this happened:

Thank you for your interest.<br /><br />Please forward a resume.<br /><br />Warmly,<br /><br />Fulltimejob2009

My "resume":

Blue Iris 212-479-7990<br /><br /><br />Skills<br />* National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes<br />* Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet<br /><br />2009<br />Employer:  Consulting<br />* My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had<br /><br />2001 - 2006<br />Employer:  Myself<br />* I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.<br />* Received pay raise for high sales<br />* Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.<br /><br />Education<br />* I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.<br /><br />Hobbies<br />* Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot<br /><br />Why Interested in Position<br />* I'm looking for a career on the Information Supper Highway and to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail

I never heard back, I wonder why. I thought I was golden with my eggs florentine-making abilities.

Seriously, I feel really sorry for the ayhole who ends up in this cluster-fuck job.


I read this when I first discovered your blog. I couldn't stop laughing. It's the reason I called you "funny" and asked you to "keep posting on your blog".

Does a cheeto lick its fingers after eating cheetos?

July 19, 2011 at 2:13 PM  

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